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Diksha, (July 2005) I have just arrived home after spending two full days at the ashram and taking diksha. I thought i would share my experience for anyone who is on the fence about this journey... I arrived at 11:00 o'clock at night. Swami-G had no problem picking me up from the airport and taking me to the ashram. The next morning she took me to breakfast and i had a hundred questions to ask her about what I was going to be going through during and after initiation. However, in her presence, my mind stilled. My sense of time vanished. I did let her know how terrified I was about shaktipat. My kundalini experiences thus far had been very subtle, as they were just stirrings - I was afraid that shaktipat would cause an overload of energy. She started me off by just meditating with me. I had never seriously meditated before, but the experience was nothing short of AWESOME. I remember closing my eyes saying to myself "this isn't going to work". Then, my mind stilled and I was taken somewhere deep. I don't know where, I can't remember what was seen....but after I was brought out of meditation, I didn't know where I was, what day it was, or where I had gone. After my head quit spinning, I asked if it was always that intense. She told me that normally being in the presence of a guru deepens the experience. After that, there was no question in my mind as to whether I should take diksha or not. About an hour later, the ceremony began. During diksha, tears flowed the whole time. I sat down and she poured beautiful mantras over me. My first reaction when I felt the energy rise, was absolute fear. Fear from all the warnings i had read about dealing with the kundalini. I wanted to run. But I continued sitting and surrendered myself to God. Then love washed over me as she continued touching different chakra centers. By the end of it I was laughing and more alive then I had ever felt. Light flames of heat were wrapped around sushumna and there was nothing else in the world I could ask for more than that. The energy was with me into the night. I laid down for bed, and couldn't sleep. I had muscle spasms all over my body. I questioned this "thing" that was so vibrant inside of me. So foreign, yet so commanding. Then a sense of absolute FEAR washed over me. Fear that my life would never again be the same. I would never again be Krissy....that i would have to deal with this for hundreds of lifetimes every minute of the day. At that point extreme liquid heat poured from the base of the spine to my navel. I almost jumped out of my skin. I was so upset. Upset with God for causing this, myself for getting me into something like this, and just plain angry with life. As i was going through my self-centered emotions, an inner voice commanded me to "BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD". At that point I entered into my breathing exercises and stilled the mind. I let my heart gate open and witness the heat rising all the way to my head. I knew that something in me was dying. the moment of surrender, the pain stopped, even though the heat continued to consume me. It was a cleansing that was utterly purifying. After about 10 minutes cold liquid washed the fire away and nothing but the sweats and shakes remained. After all was done. My heart ached in love. I realized that krissy was in control no more...that this spirit of God now was in control of my body. The hot flame was I; and I was the hot flame...there was no room for "krissy". I fell into a deep sleep utterly fascinated and grateful to the universe for the awakened spirit within me. Ever since that experience, I wake up everyday and die to the Spirit of God that runs through my body. It tells me when to sleep, how long to sleep, when to eat, what to eat, etc..... I am not sure the depths of this energy inside, but something deep down tells me as long as I remain a passanger on the wings, then the Kundalini will steer me through the lowest valley to the highest mountain wrapped in a blanket of protection and grace. Thank you Swami-G for this pearl of great price... love, Avlokita Love and Blessings GuruSwamiG
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