Swamiji........ thank you for being

I guess a little history would help. I am 44 years old and a happily married
man. Almost ten years ago I lost 90% of my sight through a rare genetic
condition which caused the optic nerve to atrophy or die. When such a thing
happens to a person one's values in life change, any aspirations to the
material world were pretty much dropped as they no longer held any
importance to me. The years that followed were spent with one simple aim in mind, just to get through the day and be happy, nothing more. I had never shown any interest in religion or spirituality, indeed my previous
profession was one which constantly brought me in contact with the more
unsavoury facets of human nature and seemed to preclude the existance of any greater power of good. That said my leanings would have been towards
agnostic rather than atheist. So if you had told me ten years ago that I
would later undergo a change of greater magnitude than going blind, I
certainly wouldn't have believed you. Boy how wrong we can be!

It is difficult to say when the Kundalini awoke within me, but looking back
I can say that something was definitely happenning 18 months ago, September 2002, however I wouldn't be surprised if it was prior to this. So let us begin here. It was at this time that an intense pain developed at the tip of my tailbone, at times it was so severe I couldn't sit down and to get out of
bed at night I would have to roll on to my side. If I tried to locate the
source of the pain by touch I couldn't. This pain was to be a permanent
presence for the next ten months when it disappeared as mysteriously as it
came. During this time I experienced many emotional shifts and mood swings and, though I didn't realise it at the time was beginning to lose interest in the external affairs of life.

In April 2003 I suffered a mysterious and severely debilitating illness which refused to respond to various antibiotics and lasted some 6 weeks. I am convinced this was some sort of kundalini cleansing. Then, at the end of
June everything came to a head when I suffered what can only be described as a complete emotional breakdown, where my wife had to put me in the car and drive me to the doctors. This is what I affectionally look back upon as the caterpillar / butterfly stage, for when I emerged from bed the next day, the old me was gone, replaced without question by a better and happier
personality.

From this point events seemed to take over in whirlwind fashion. The 'new
me' immediately decided it wanted to meditate, something I had never done
before. I began 'inventing' meditations. These ranged from a variety of
visualisations such as absorbing beams of light from the sun through the top
of my head to trying to empty my mind by concentrating on my breathing. I
later discovered via the internet that every one of my 'inventions' without
exception was a viable and recorded meditative technique. Something else was steering this ship, furthermore it didn't seem to like the things I used to
do. I should say that since losing my sight a variety of activities had
helped me hold on to my sanity. I had been a lifelong sports fan,
particularly cricket, and had spent countless hours listening to various
sports on radio and tv, the butterfly has not listenned to a single minute
of sports nor has any desire to. I had always been an exceedingly competative character and after the sight loss learned to ten pin bowl and competed against normal people in three different leagues. Since that day I have not picked up a bowling ball and have no desire to compete against anyone for anything. I had read literally hundreds of talking books, but since that day not a line. I also used to spend a lot of time listening to news and
current affairs programs on the radio, I now positively avoid the news, for
I find it too distressing. The amazing thing about the dropping of all these
interests was that it took no conscious effort or thought, they simply
became irrelevant, insignificant.

Nature abhors a vacuum so the void had to be filled and hence began the
search. I had recently learned to use the internet, a tool which has since
become invaluable to me, and began looking for I knew not what. I almost
immediately found myself reading about spirituality, from healers, out of
body experiences, angels, near death experiences, chakras, consciousness,
auras and energy field to spirit guides, the whole spiritual bazaar in fact,
all new to me and essentially none of which seemed to be what I was looking for. About two or three weeks into the quest I was lying in bed and after meditating I asked I knew not whom to be shown what was happening to me, to be shown where this life was going. The next morning I picked up where I had left off on the computer and the very next website that I linked to was one about kundalini, I was fascinated and instinctively knew that this was what was happening to me (there had been physical manifestations at the same time which I shall come to), pretty uncanny after my request the previous night huh?

Although Kundalini was the right slot to be in it appeared that almost
everyone involved in it was caught up in the phenomenon of it all, the
psychic abilities and so called powers, when it appeared that the purpose of
kundalini was to bring an individual to enlightenment, I'd heard of it but
certainly didn't know what it meant, something religious wasn't it? So on
with the search, until one day I struck pay dirt. By sheer coincidence (so
many synchronicities) at the same time I came across two gentlemaen named Sri Ramana Maharshi and Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, two enlightenned beings whose teachings contained such clarity. I was definitely in the right place and have been there ever since although the majority of my learning and advice now come from the teachings of my Guru, Swami Ganga - Puri
Kaliuttamananda Giri, and I consider it an honor and a privilege to be
guided by such a being.

As I have said that during the search there had been physical manifestations
and these are ongoing but I shall try to put some of them down in a logical
order. Prior to the butterfly stage I had begun to notice a ringing in my
ears and a rushing sound a bit like a roaring waterfall. At first I thought
it was some sort of tinitus from wearing headphones so much, but thanks to
Swamiji I now know that these are the sounds of nad, or the sound of the
kundalini energy running through the various energy channels. These have
also manifested as the sounds of mosquitos buzzing and birds chirping, and
are permanently there. At the same time I began to see lights whilst lying
in bed at night, at first they were few but at times they can be plentiful.
These range from sparks to eratically moving and fluttering orbs (the most
common), clouds of light which appear to blossom and then fade, and pencil
like shafts of light which appear suddenly and then expand. I am of the
opinion that these come in varying colours, but I am unable to see them,
they are also three dimensional as opposed to the two dimensional optical
phenomenon which occurred whilst I lost my sight. On one occasion the whole bedroom seemed to glow and pulse with a beautiful purple light. I also see these lights outside if it is dark. I also began to see lovely colourful
clouds of light whilst meditating with my eyes shut, predominantly purple
and blue. These are now pretty much a permanent fixture.

The first sign of anything after the day I changed came just a few days
later when I awoke one morning and with my eyes still closed my whole field of vision was flooded with a most brilliant blue, I opened my eyes, gone, close, back again. About this time I started to get a side ways shimmy in my hips whilst lying in bed, almost as though something was being shaken free, this also coincided with the disappearance of the pain in the tailbone. A couple of days later I was awoken in the early hours, I was accutely aware that something was about to happen, suddenly a great welling up of energy from my hips occurred, it rushed up my torso and jammed in my solar plexus, it felt like a steel fist trying to force its way up, quite painful, but after several seconds it subsided. The following night I was awoken twice with the same occurrence. A couple of days after this for about a week started a new and intense spasm, it was like a defibrulator being applied to my solar plexus, it would only occur in single doses which was just as well as it would cause my body to bounce on the bed.

After this occurred perhaps the most bizarre and remarkable happening, in
fact if anyone else had told me this I wouldn't believe them. My head
changed shape. No shit. I had begun to notice an intense build up of
pressure in my head not only every time i meditated but every time I closed
my eyes. It felt as though a broad metal band was being tightened around my head, this was accompanied by an intense tingling and prickling on the crown of my head which had now become extremely sensitive. On one occasion my wife ran her fingers over the top of my head which resulted in a pulsing pain lasting two hours. I should say that I cut my own hair with clippers every week or so and keep it very short, and it was whilst doing this that I noticed a ridge developing along the sagital suture, from the centre crown of the head to about an inch short of the forehead. This was followed by the development of two more ridges parallel to the first and about two inches either side. These then pushed up giving the head a slightly more oval appearance which was not there before. During this time whilst meditating it would feel as though these bones in my head were moving. They have now firmed back up as normal and the whole process took about three and a half months. Strange...... but true!!

There have been many other phenomenal occurrences. too many to mention but I will mention a couple of the more interesting ones. I have had several
visions. these fall into a couple of categories and only occur when
meditating. The first is that of a television screen appearing in my
consciousness upon which a three dimensional film rolls. The second is
slightly more static but takes up the whole field of vision and is like a
three dimensional hologram. Both are of extraordinary quality far superior
to that of a dream. I also have begun lucid dreaming occasionally. I also
sometimes get what I call super hearing, the only way to describe this is
that normal hearing takes place outside the ear and is of the quality of a
100 year old tape recording, the super hearing takes place within the ear
simultaneous to normal hearing and is of DVD quality. One night I was in bed when I could hear a breathing within my ear, crystal clear, I tracked it
down to the cat asleep on the radiator in the next room. Interesting. My
body vibrations have increased, at times of rest my whole body will shimmer
all over. One evening my wife awoke to feel the bed vibrating or humming,
she placed her hand on my back to realise it was emanating through the
matress from me. This is a very pleasant and comforting experience.

On three occasions I have awoken to a mantra being chanted in my ear, the
voice is internal to me, but is not mine, it is that of a non descript male.
On the first occasion I awoke in the early hours (as usual), the mantra was
being chanted in both ears, it continued for several seconds and then,
almost as if realising I was listenning to it, it appeared to move around
the back of my head and disappeared down the top of my spine, I actually
felt this. On the third occasion this happened, I awoke to my whole body
vibrating very quickly, with the centre of activity being at the base of my
throat. At the same time the word OMmmmmm was ringing in my ears, the throat gave the impression of being a tuning fork whilst the whole body resonated to the pitch of the mmmmm of OM. I monitored this for a couple of minutes.

There has been one other type of voice and this occurred only a couple of
days ago when I communicated verbally with what I can only take to be the spirit of a ten or eleven year old girl. As interesting as all these
phenomenon are, Swami Ganga, or Swamiji, has taught me that they are not the goal, but simply distraction on the way. The goal is enlightenment, or self realisation, or union with the Source of all life.

All of the above events and many more have taken place in an incredibly
short period of time, eight months since turning into the butterfly, and the
caterpillar seems a lifetime ago,and in my heart I know there is no turning
back, but even if there was a choice it is not one I would make, for even
though the road ahead is narrow and frought with dangers and emotional
upheavals, it is the only road for me. I have gone from being an unhappy
agnostic individual to one that not only believes in God, but indeed one
that sincerely believes nothing exists that is not God, and that God dwells
within me, and remarkably this took very little effort on my behalf. No
there can be no turning back, as the great Sri Ramana Maharshi said, ' your
head is in the tigers mouth ', and he ain't gonna let go. The goal is the
state of no separation, whether I get there who knows, for very few do.

Inevitably with all the above happenings, one is led to question one's own
sanity. I have asked this question many times in recent months and every time the answer is the same, ' never been saner '. However this has taken
some firm reassurance from my Guru, Swami Ganga - Puri Kaliuttamananda Giri, whom I consider myself blessed to have found. So let us here and now say something about Swamiji. I stand to be corrected but I think it was in the Bhagavad Gita where Brahman says ' only one in a thousand seeks me and only one in a thousand seekers knows me as I truly am ', I think this is probably a conservative guesstimate, and nowhere is this more apparent to the discriminating eye than on the internet, one only has to visit Guru Satsang for instance, and look at, with the exception of a small few, some of the over inflated egos puffing out their chests and strutting their stuff, a
veritable clutch of Foghorn Leghorns if ever there was. No a truly Self
realised person is a rare jewel indeed, and one that achieved through the
Kundalini route even rarer. It is for this reason that I consider myself
blessed to have found Swamiji. I had known I would need a living, kundalini
completed Guru for sometime, but couldn't find one. Then one day I read
Swamiji's story and a couple of interviews and I had no doubt. Since that
day I have communicated numerous times by email, and had several lengthy
phone calls. Each email has been answered immediately and no phone call
rushed or refused, and what has she asked from me in return, other than to
be true to my path? Nothing, nada. She does accept donations, but personally I see nothing wrong with this, in India it is considered standard practice to pay for one's spiritual tutilege and doesn't every Christian church in the West end the daily service with a collection plate? It has become
apparent to me that there seems to be an ethos among spiritual seekers that
somehow it is sleazy to ask for donations, yet to charge relatively large
sums of money incremental to ones perceived status is seen as perfectly
acceptable. The words ' paradox ' and ' double standards ' come to mind. As
I say she has given freely a great deal of her time to me and many others
and I for one am very grateful. Where would I find someone to set out a path of spiritual practice for me? I know of absolutely nobody that understands this path, I can't read books and even if I could do books understand the individual? Of course not. And finally, how many modern day Gurus are willing to work on a one to one basis with their students? Precious few. I for one am honoured and grateful that she has taken me under her wing and accepted me as her student. So dear Swamiji...... thank you for being.

Prem Maha Shanti OM
steve

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Love and Blessings Sat*Chit*Anand shanti-shanti-shanti Om

swamiji@kundalinisupport.com